Don Calfa, the Mortician in ‘The Return of the Living Dead,’ Dies at 76
He played Ernie the embalmer in the cult classic, was a hitman in 'Weekend at Bernie's' and appeared in films for Bogdanovich, Scorsese and Spielberg.
He was not on the list.
Don Calfa, a top-notch character actor who portrayed the embalmer Ernie Kaltenbrunner in the 1985 cult horror comedy The Return of the Living Dead, has died. He was 76.
Calfa died Thursday — two days before his birthday — at his home in Yucca Valley, Calif., actor-producer Mark Terry (Live Evil, Brother’s Blood) told The Hollywood Reporter.
A native of Brooklyn, Calfa also portrayed Paulie, the hitman who murders Hamptons rich guy Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser) by giving him a heroin overdose, in the classic comedy Weekend at Bernie’s (1989).
Calfa was cast by some of the top directors of his time, including Peter Bogdanovich (1976’s Nickelodeon), Martin Scorsese (1977’s New York, New York), Blake Edwards (1979’s 10), Steven Spielberg (1979’s 1941), Bob Rafelson (the 1981 remake of The Postman Always Rings Twice) and Barry Levinson (1991’s Bugsy).
Calfa also collaborated several times with director (and fellow New Yorker) Peter Hyams; they worked together on Peeper (1976), The Star Chamber (1983), Running Scared (1986), The Presidio (1988) and Stay Tuned (1992).
He also was in Cinderella Liberty (1973), Bank Shot (1974), Foul Play (1978), The Rose (1979) and the remake of Doctor Dolittle (1998).
In The Return of the Living Dead, written and directed by Dan O’Bannon, an employee at a medical supply warehouse accidentally releases toxic gas into the air in Louisville, Ky., bringing to life dead people who want nothing but to eat brains.
Calfa’s blond-haired Kaltenbrunner character enjoys listening to Wehrmacht marching songs and has this memorable exchange with half of a corpse in the film:
Kaltenbrunner: Why do you eat people?
Corpse: Not people. Brains.
Kaltenbrunner: Brains only?
Corpse: Yes.
Kaltenbrunner: Why?
Corpse: The pain!
Kaltenbrunner: What about the pain?
Corpse: The pain of being dead!
On Doogie Howser, M.D., starring Neil Patrick Harris, Calfa played Carmine Delpino, the father of Doogie’s best friend Vinnie (Max Casella). On Beverly Hills, 90210, he showed up as beach-house landlord Mr. Pitts. And on Barney Miller, he worked on seven episodes, playing a different character each time.
Early in his career, Calfa appeared on Broadway in Mating Dance in 1965 and Lenny in 1971.
Filmography
Film roles
Film
Year Title Role Notes
1968 No More Excuses Priest Directed by Robert Downey Sr.
1969 Utterly Without Redeeming Social Value Peter DeCola
1970 Pound Italian Terrier Directed by Robert Downey Sr.
1972 Greaser's Palace Morris Directed by Robert Downey Sr.
1973 The Rainbow Boys Mazella
Cinderella Liberty Lewis Directed by Mark Rydell
1974 Rhinoceros Waiter
Bank Shot Stosh Gornik
Shanks Albert Einstein Directed by William Castle
1975 Peeper Rosie
1976 Nickelodeon Waldo Directed by Peter Bogdanovich
1977 New York, New York Gilbert Directed by Martin Scorsese
1978 Foul Play Scarface
1979 10 Neighbor Directed by Blake Edwards
The Rose Don Frank
1941 Telephone operator Directed by Steven Spielberg
1981 The Postman Always Rings Twice Goebel
1983 The Star Chamber Lawrence Monk
Over Here, Mr. President Wardell Slaughter
The Man Who Wasn't There Tohfa
1984 E. Nick: A Legend in His Own Mind E. 'Nick' Vanacuzzi Starring role
1985 The Return of the Living Dead Ernie Kaltenbrunner Major role
1986 Running Scared Women's Room Lawyer
1987 Talking Walls Andre
Treasure of the Moon Goddess Harold Grand Major role
1988 The Presidio Howard Buckely
Blue Movies Max
1989 Weekend at Bernie's Paulie Major role
Chopper Chicks in Zombietown Ralph Willum Major role
1991 Bugsy Louie Dragna Directed by Barry Levinson
1992 Me Myself & I Irving Major role
Stay Tuned Wetzel
1993 H.P. Lovecraft's: Necronomicon Mr. Benedict (part 3)
1995 Mr. Payback: An Interactive Movie City Hall Guard Video Game
Toughguy Office Worker #1
Cobs n Roberts Lance
1998 Progeny Jimmy Stevens
Dr. Dolittle Patient at Hammersmith
2001 Downward Angel Adam
2002 The 4th Tenor Bum #3
2003 Night Creep Mr. Blunt
Corpses Are Forever Jack Stark Credited as Lance Fladoda
2010 Lewisburg Night Clerk
2011 More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead Himself Documentary film
2012 Pablo Himself
2015 Sharkskin Joey 'Snot'
Television roles
Television
Year Show Role Notes
1972 Goodnight, My Love Bananas Made for TV movie
The Delphi Bureau Gunjamen Episode: "The White Plague Project"
1973 The Blue Knight Made for TV movie
1974–1975 Kojak Fidelio Ortez
Burgess Episode: "Marker to a Dead Bookie"
Episode: "A House of Prayer, a Den of Thieves"
1974–1977 The Streets of San Francisco Larry Mason
Sparrow
Randolf J. "Moonshine" Fisher Episode: "Mister Nobody"
Episode: "Poisoned Snow"
Episode: "A Good Cop...But"
1976 Most Wanted Episode: "Pilot"
Baretta Corsican Episode: "Aggie"
Delvecchio Sergeant Mendez
Narc Episode: "Contract for Harry"
Episode: "The Avenger"
1977–1981 Barney Miller Mr. DiLucca
Angelo Dodi
Leon Bidell
Calvin J. Kendall
Gilbert Lesco
Arthur Thompson
Eddie Episode: "Group Home"
Episode: "Copy Cat"
Episode: "Hostage"
Episode: "Identity"
Episode: "The Desk"
Episode: "The Vests"
Episode: "Homeless"
1977 Quinn Martin's Tales of the Unexpected Episode: "The Final Chapter"
1978 The Bionic Woman Petie "The Weasel" Regan Episode: "Rancho Outcast"
The Comedy Company Harry Fenner Made for TV movie
Steel Cowboy "Go" Trucker Made for TV movie
1979 The Runaways Sam Episode: "Dreams of My Father"
1980 Nobody's Perfect Rosen Episode: "What's on Third?"
1981 Park Place Howie Beech Recurring role (4 episodes)
Benson Dr. Death Episode: "The Grass Ain't Greener"
1982 The Day the Bubble Burst Mr. Cinelli Made for TV movie
1983 Allison Sydney Harrison Pat Rosetti Made for TV movie
Shooting Stars Driscoll Made for TV movie
1984 Legmen Oscar Armismendi Episode: "Poseidon Indenture"
Hill Street Blues Oscar Foreman Episode: "Eva's Brawn"
Night Court Miles Seaver Episode: "Billie and the Cat"
1985 Simon & Simon Randall Deeds Episode: "Slither"
Our Family Honor Maltz Episode: "Runaway Movie Queen"
Amazing Stories Messenger Episode: "The Amazing Falsworth"
1986 Blacke's Magic Episode: "Wax Poetic"
Throb Coyote Man Episode: "My Fair Punker Lady"
1987 Private Eye Made for TV movie
9 to 5 Janipopolous Episode: "Love and Death"
1988, 1993 Murder, She Wrote Clifford Coleson
Vinnie Episode: "Mr. Penroy's Vacation"
Episode: "The Survivor"
1988 Houston Knights Episode: "Bad Paper"
1989 Mancuso, F.B.I. Episode: "Murder of Pearl"
1990 Matlock Andrew Sloan Episode: "Nowhere to Turn"
Twin Peaks Vice Principal Greege Episode: "Episode 10 (uncredited) and Episode 17"
1990–1993 Doogie Howser, M.D. Carmine Delpino Recurring role (3 episodes)
1990, 1995 Columbo Rudy Episode: "Strange Bedfellows"
Episode: "Rest in Peace, Mrs. Columbo"
1993–1994 Beverly Hills, 90210 Mr. Pitts Recurring role (3 episodes)
1994 Boy Meets World Frank Episode: "Who's Afraid of Cory Wolf?"
2003 Less Than Perfect Uncle Nicky Episode: "Save the Squirrel, But Bet the Over/Under"
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